Last weekend, I joined my sideshow troupe The Invisible Man Corporation on an epic journey to Cincinnati’s HorrorHound Convention. This was officially my first mini-touring experience as a sideshow performer (alias Ballyhoo Betty), as well as my first horror convention, and it was a learning experience to say the least. Along the way, we had a lot of laughs, met many wonderfully colorful characters and picked up several tips for doing it better next time. These stories and lessons seem worth sharing, so over the next few days, you will get the insider scoop on sideshow touring.

First off, packing for life on the road isn’t always easy, but the complications of packing to perform various sideshow stunts is an added headache I was not quite prepared for. For example, how much fuel does a fire eater/spinner pack? Do I take an entire jug of Coleman’s camping fuel and take up the very limited space we had? Or do I take a smaller canteen and risk having to restock at Walmart, one of the only stores guaranteed to carry my fuel and be open at all hours? Although I am an outspoken Walmart-hater, we only had one show lined up, so I opted for the smaller canteen.

My next packing issue involved my costume. It’s a frilly, beautiful mess of layered lace, and it does not like being crammed into bags. I realized I should ideally have a hard case to transport this sort of gear, but I did not in the hour I had to pack before leaving for Cincinnati. Instead, I delicately placed my beloved accoutrements in my backpack, and insisted that it stayed at the very top of our mountain of luggage.

I sorted out the rest of the packing details, and by 11 PM last Wednesday, my ride was there to pick me up. My ride consisted of the dynamic duo Nos Goddess of Gore and Ugly Shyla in Nos’s car. We then needed to meet up with troupe-mates Alexander Hamilton and Ivar, who were traveling in the Museum of the Weird‘s touring van (which I dubbed the Yellow Submarine), packed full with the makings of a roadshow dime museum, as well as Eric Odditorium. To make a long story short, Shyla puked three times during our attempts to leave Austin, including once in a Wells Fargo parking lot, once at a stop light, and a final round all over the dashboard of Nos’s car. At this point, we had no idea how we were going to make it all the way to Ohio, and Shyla opted out of the trip at the last minute. Lesson #1 of touring: those easily susceptible to car sickness should always carry ginger ale and some sort of motion sickness meds.

The Invisible Man Corp (Myself, Alexander, Eric & Ivar) in front of the Yellow Submarine

We drove through the night, alternating shifts behind the wheel, yet making terrible time. With a crew of five people, it seemed at least once an hour, someone needed a bathroom stop, a smoking break, some food or gas. Lesson #2: keep snacks handy and force people to stick with a communal bathroom schedule. The drive supposedly could have been made in 19.5 hours, but it took us about 24.

Along the way, we found an amazing roadside souvenir shop / trucker stop. A full two floors were filled with objects ranging from fishing poles to paper mache clowns to bull horns intended to be mounted on the front of big rigs. Clearly, that was one stop worth spending a little time at, and most of us bought various creepy curio to resell at the convention.

We also managed to stop at a few insanely dated diners and gas stations, most of which seemed like a blend of sets from the Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Children of the Corn. The common reaction to our visibly alternative crew was not a good one. The term Evil Eye took on a whole new meaning in Arkansas and Tennessee.

The Invisible Man Corp (Myself, Eric, Ivar & Alexander) in front of the world's creepiest gas station

Around hour 19, we were all starting to lose our minds. Eric, the one member of the group who could not drive, played the ever important role of the shotgun talker. Instead of sleeping, Eric sat in the front seat (gracefully ignoring the pukey remnants of Shyla’s upset stomach), and chatted up whoever happened to be driving the car at a given time. This proved immensely helpful, and I myself was able to drive for 7-9 hour streches with his assistance. (This is especially impressive given that I have not owned a car in nearly five years, and am an avid bicycle enthusiast.) Lesson #3: Always travel with a shotgun talker.

Although we were all anxious and road weary, Ivar insisted that we make a booze stop in Kentucky. No one like the idea of adding more time to the trip, but even I had to admit I’d be ready for a stiff drink by the time we finally arrived at the hotel. We wandered through Bowling Green in search of a liquor store, and found a good one. The clerks were all smoking inside and there was a giant boot statue outside that served as an ash tray, although I don’t think anyone ever actually went outside to put out their butts. We got lost trying to find the highway again, and meandered through this odd small town, passing a couple having sex in a window and a baseball diamond that reeked of eucalyptus and hot dogs along the way. Lesson #4: Stock up on your vices before hitting the road.

We finally arrived at the hotel in Cincinnati around 4 AM Friday morning. My eyes felt like they were bleeding, and I was already maxed out on fast food. Sleeping may have been the logical option at that point, but we were all too excited to be out of the car and instead promptly poured ourselves some cocktails. Then we began to explore the hotel that was soon to become the 2010 HorrorHound chaos.

To be continued…

Tags: The Invisible Man Corp., tour